It's just so difficult to comprehend how I feel. I've had many mixed feelings. My life is so different now, but it's not like I would live alone forever. Though now I find myself falling away like I usually do.

I never really had any friends, but maybe it is because I see through the illusion.


The normal human definition is this:

<Friend>
A person you can take advantage of betray and assault without retaliation. They are weaker than you yet they depend on you when they are in trouble, but you let them down time and time again.

<Girlfriend>
A girl who ' puts out ' or in other words is there for your needs and amusement. Treated as a mere toy and not even human. Abuse is just another game.


<Boy/Dog/etc>
A person you hang out thoughtlessly with. Despite how gay or faggoty you act together you cross those lines that are obviously too far. you yourself are overly obsessive about things only girl should worry about. you use female shampoo, bodywash, and such yet you call people out saying they are a faggot or are gay. Yet you yourself are a flaming homo. You tell other guys they stink yet you smell like a fucking flower. (Venting.)



These are the definitions that I have come to see when someone refers to another person. It seems that in life, the real definition is just a cover up for what really goes on.


<Honesty>
Such a thing does not exist.

<Integrity>
The word should not be mentioned. Cowards have no integrity.

<Selflessness>
There is but one unsefish person, and that person is already dead. One does not do something unless it benefits them alone.









Anyways...
---------

I have been having the worst artists block! There are just so many distractions! I cannot even do anything about all the distractions. People leaving and going, walking behind me! I am my most distracted when someone is behind me. My guard is at 90% at least when a person is behind me. all my attention goes to them and the remaining 10% goes to controlling what they see me doing. I just cannot focus when someone is around!!

I wish I were alone but there is nowhere to go. I am just stuck here for a few more weeks. Then I will be able to finally relax, draw, and enjoy the silence.




(Continuing)
------

Only read this if you really are interested in my thoughts.<><><>



So here is the deal. I hate talking. I hate when people talk to me. I hate being noticed, I hate being mentioned.

When a person talks to me while I am trying to relax that person becomes like an enemy for the time. Unless they take interest in a positive way. But that is not always the case. I can read people to easily. So I try to avoid them even looking at me.


People have the natural urge to harass me, but then try to justify it and act like me reacting is a crime! If I loose control and start killing people, blame yourself.

I hate people. They all think the same way. When I try to bring any kind of logic to their world they treat it like it's taboo or I'm wrong. Indeed the human race has reached that point. Good is wrong, bad is right.


Any bit of my knowledge to a person seems to just not translate. It's like I'm speaking a foreign language! I might as well!

I am constantly told I'm wrong but according to my sources, information, experience, I am right! And when I call it out and they don't believe me and in so experience the consequence. When they do it is like they knew all along, or they act so surprised as if I never said a damn fucking thing. Is the human race so stupid?!!


I am slowly loosing hope in humanity, eventually I am going to start treating humans like crap. Treating them like children since that is how they behave. Constantly contradicting themselves, being hypocritical, ignoring the point of anything being said other than the format.

The format does not matter! Pronunciation, spelling whatever!! You know how to listen don't you?? Or are you incapable?!!


Am I the only sane person on the earth?!! If so why do I, yes even me, Have trouble remembering things?!! I'm not perfect but the human race is just so stupid they would walk off a cliff if a sign said it was safe. Even if I was right there telling them it wasn't.


Why do I try? Why am I so compelled to correct the world when it is so obvious that the difference in IQ is so greatly obvious?!

Just because I didn't read a book or take a class on something does not mean I don't know anything about anything!

If you are lied to your whole life then you will never know that it is a lie. That's the way the world works. You are raised by other people who also believe something so there for you do not know the truth because you were never told it.


I realize now that the reason I am so different from people is that I raised myself when it came to mental development.

A perfect example is this.

The world is a huge machine stamping preset information into paper sheets, AKA humans.

But I am not one of those sheets of paper. I am beyond that. The information is not given to me, it is taken. I am looking at all these sheets of paper and finding spelling errors, grammatical flaws, contradictions, jumbled crap that makes no sense. And because it is stamped on the paper it cannot be changed. So anything I say or do will not change the fact that this information despite how wrong it is, cannot be corrected.

That is the world.



From my eyes to yours, this is how I see.

I just started to use it but I have a program that I can use to make music. ;3

I already made 1 song and have a bunch of random tunes I compiled.

I will start posting it on this website [link]


My profile is here [link]

Check up once in a while to be updated on recent music.

So now I've been given responsibility.



Our dirt-bag Room commander was fired for doing dirt-bag things and now he has been removed from the pretend ranks. Upon finding out I was chosen at random to be the new room Commander. I've never been responsible for anything before, this is my time to learn I suppose. I did want a student leadership position but now I am a room commander. I take responsibility for my bay of 7 people. So I need to straighten up and be more confident.


I am trying to find time to draw but that time seems to be slowly disappearing. I don't know if I will be spotlighted to be kept busy "Which I do not want." I thoroughly enjoy my free time. When I have any.


I have another PT test tomorrow. I hope I pass it before my shin finally snaps. Wish me luck.